FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.....A RANT!!!!

Is it the B cold that is making me feel so low? Is it the lack of sleep?  Is it straight depression? Is it simply MND?

Don't Know,.............. re any of the above...........




I've spent the last four.or is it five? , nights waking frequently....
It's then I think about my life, as I perceive  it is, ............... at the moment.

Today, I had to go a cushion assessment for wheelchair... for two pence I would have cancelled. Believe me it takes such effort to simply shower and dress, let alone get in car and drive to Hx.... even though my friend Barry was able to accompany me , (Thankyou)..........

So tremendous effort required... BUT, I did it...............

But should I simply do what I want to do ? Or what I feel safe doing ? ie stay at home and perhaps  paint... ?

I know I could just stay in, get on-line everything... but this isn't living.. is it  ? It isnt making the effort, being 100%+ strong.. as I feel I must be, ie if I am to continue to be me.

I have so many friends who understand, who visit, who keep in contact via phone or Facebook..Thankyou, you know who who you are.


....I will decline... and though  I shall fight this (providing no more colds!!), it takes effort, such effort...

 but Carpe Diem


HUG ME, I'VE GOT MND

DEPRESSION

I know I have MND, but sometimes it's forgotten that I have clinical depression too. Not just depression that is caused by MND, but depression for (at least),  the last 30yrs of my life.

This morning was  black/ bleak . 

I know that I should be taking 3 antidepressants per day, but have often recently, taken two or sometimes even one. 

I take an MAOI.. the effective lowest dose is one per two days, my prescribed dosage is three per day... and necessary. The reason I haven't taken the full dosage is that, I have to take each pill with food... and my eating has been erratic.

With a fall in my my mood, I realised that today I must get back on course, re medication.

Actually, medication is a real problem. I take 8 pills each morn and 7 at night. Sometimes I feel too tired to push pills out of their foil packs... maybe I need help... perhaps someone to do a weekly pill-holder.. ?   ( I feel this could be like the elderly infirm... OK I'm not elderly ( in my mind) but actually I have to accept that I do lack  the co-ordination to push pills from packs,ie  without a lot of effort.) 

So I woke this morn, felt v v snugly and safe under duvet. I knew I simply couldn't go to Overgate Hospice, (or anywhere else for that matter), today. I thought....... Whose life is this... mine ?  .. or mine as a person who doesn't want to disrupt /rock boats, (as I have done all my life  ?).

I decided I needed to take charge. I didn't want to go out, I didn't feel safe going out, ......therefore I would stay safe,.....stay at home..... and so I did!

I painted,then showered and talked to my OT, who came at 4:00.

I talked about how I felt... deeply black!...... about where I felt safe... about how cruel MND is....

....my arms/hands are strong, (briefly), but then the fatigue.... I know they are weakening.....


HUG ME , I'VE GOT MND