SO WHY WAS I SO UPSET???

Yesterday, as I hope my Blog showed, I was upset re the death of Alistair Banks, Alistair the Optimist.

Why?

Well there are so many parallels. Ok Alistair was fit and 20 yrs younger than me. But he had the same illness: MND type ALS.
His video interview on Ch 5 shows him one year after diagnosis in a wheel chair. He describes how it all started with his leg . He limped and his foot flapped. (At this point for me, I too wondered what was happening. I walked as if I was drunk, (even at 10:00 am ), and I felt people treated me as such. This was hard to cope with. )
He was a teacher, he was creative.
Alistair was very positive and , I guess , thought that by being positive, he would make his life ,not only , useful, but also may well extend it. Well these are my thoughts , and they may well not reflect his, but somehow I get the feeling that they might well do.
On the Ch5 interview, one year into diagnosis, he states that not only have his legs gone ,but that he recognises other bits are going............... this is exactly my scenario.
My legs are hopeless. My arms and hands cramp frequently and though I still speak with a strong voice, my neck muscles also cramp on occasion. I know they are on the way to becoming weak and eventually unresponsive.

Alistair lived 2 1/2 yrs after diagnosis. 

The MNDA give a 2 yr life expectancy and the NHS give a 3 yr life expectancy....
average, yes, 2 1/2 yrs.

OK, some people do live a little longer and this is where I was confidently heading..... I thought, no go back on that , feel, that if you are positive, you will beat the averages.

BUT, Alistair was positive, he was so positive, and yet he didn't beat the MND averages.......

So that's why I , personally, am upset.
A selfish view , I do recognise.
I don't wish to be selfish and am somewhat, ashamed of my feelings.

Alistair leaves a wife and small children. Really sad and difficult for them.... I do, so, know this.

For me there is not partner to upset and though I have children, and of course they will be upset and sad, but they both have loving partners and will survive I'm sure, as they will be loved, cherished and cared for.

So a somewhat self centred response to a dear, strong mans death. But I thought I should write this, as this diary was always intended to be my honest views of my dealings with this horrid disease.

Please , to try to be compassionate towards me as you read this. I pray you don't judge this as the views of a self centred person, but more the views of someone whose fears have been unveiled and who is frightened............. and sad.

But I shall wake  with my spirit encouraged by you, my readers, my beloved friends, and also by the visits of my family and  grandchildren.

Who can feel sorry for themselves when there are so many potential joys abounding. I will regain my positivity and dream / no ,anticipate that I will beat the averages.

HUG ME, I'VE GOT MND.