CATCH UP ... THEN ON TO PAINT.... OK?

So, it's Tuesday, Overgate Hospice day. 

Since I last wrote, I've been feeling really unwell. Its grief. Real Grief , for my dearest Meggie. real pain... its unimaginable how hard this has hit me. 

One blessing is that she went first and doesn't have to cope with the loss of me.

So today, Overgate Hospice.  Teena very kindly as always, ie when I told her about Meggie. 

Jenny (art volunteer) came along and we talked about brushes.. ( sable, squirrel, synthetic, mixed.. maybe even hedgehog ! ! !  I don't know.. after feeling 20+ brushes,  you sort of loose the will to live! ! ) 

Then we went on to papers.... the same... 

did we paint ?... No...   !!! 

(I don't want to know all the infinitesimal theory... just basic info to have a go at water painting... BUT I don't want to upset Jenny... she is so kindly and well meaning... a challenge for me once again.. 
who comes first ?
.. me and my needs ?
... or politeness ?   (my natural stance) 



A challenge,
 in many situations................ actually.)

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After lunch I saw Rebecca, the palliative care consultant. We talked for well over an hour. She is so kindly. and was an active listener.... I have a booklet to read , think about,           End of Life Care. 

I now understand that I can be sedated at the end.. 

I can say that I don't want to be resuscitated..,  BUT , the law at the moment might mean that I would have to be.. but  as it's now on my record, ie  that I have expressed a wish not be resuscitated, it will have some power... but until I am worse, the the law says I must be ...  though this note will be some protection.

Lots to think about. 


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Sorry but this is probably rather garbled... but my mind is not yet sorted on my wishes yet. 

There are mechanical helps which will sort out choke reflexes... a big fear for people with MND. A Tracheotomy will help if its placed sooner rather than later..........

There is so much more to think about, to discuss with family and friends... 

I have to leave it here...so so much on my mind.


BUT , two  good things that came out of this session: my need for touch ( hence HUG ME   etc...) and also Rebecca assessed my needs as complex and highly necessary ...... and so is arranging help from Social services and from the person who does massage, reflexology etc...


So after this info... Im off to paint now... when I paint I haven't got MND.. I'm in another world... and sooooo glad to be there, even if what I produce isn't of the highest standards.. it still soooooooo helps  me to loose myself in this way

HUG ME, I'VE GOT MND