DEPRESSION

I know I have MND, but sometimes it's forgotten that I have clinical depression too. Not just depression that is caused by MND, but depression for (at least),  the last 30yrs of my life.

This morning was  black/ bleak . 

I know that I should be taking 3 antidepressants per day, but have often recently, taken two or sometimes even one. 

I take an MAOI.. the effective lowest dose is one per two days, my prescribed dosage is three per day... and necessary. The reason I haven't taken the full dosage is that, I have to take each pill with food... and my eating has been erratic.

With a fall in my my mood, I realised that today I must get back on course, re medication.

Actually, medication is a real problem. I take 8 pills each morn and 7 at night. Sometimes I feel too tired to push pills out of their foil packs... maybe I need help... perhaps someone to do a weekly pill-holder.. ?   ( I feel this could be like the elderly infirm... OK I'm not elderly ( in my mind) but actually I have to accept that I do lack  the co-ordination to push pills from packs,ie  without a lot of effort.) 

So I woke this morn, felt v v snugly and safe under duvet. I knew I simply couldn't go to Overgate Hospice, (or anywhere else for that matter), today. I thought....... Whose life is this... mine ?  .. or mine as a person who doesn't want to disrupt /rock boats, (as I have done all my life  ?).

I decided I needed to take charge. I didn't want to go out, I didn't feel safe going out, ......therefore I would stay safe,.....stay at home..... and so I did!

I painted,then showered and talked to my OT, who came at 4:00.

I talked about how I felt... deeply black!...... about where I felt safe... about how cruel MND is....

....my arms/hands are strong, (briefly), but then the fatigue.... I know they are weakening.....


HUG ME , I'VE GOT MND